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I am giving CNN a thumbs down not because it is the pinnacle of sensationalist media, and I'm not giving the thumbs down because they are so incredibly biased. The truth of the matter is that I am quite fond of media that is biased and wildly overblown. Hell, I certainly hope that you ALSO enjoy that sort of thing, because there's about to be a lot of it in this space.
No, I'm giving CNN the big thumbs down becuase I'm jealous. Lets face it, CNN gets all the chicks, hell CNN even gets the dudes. I mean, if you met a CNN reporter on the street they would be just as nerdy as I am, they'd be just as shoddily dressed (unless they were a newscaster), and I bet you five to one they'd actually smell a bit worse. But if you asked anyone on the street, "Hey, which news source is sexier, CNN or EgoAnt?" I can almost guarantee that they aren't even going to know what the hell an "EgoAnt" is.
Now.... About Those Missiles
 Lets face it, I only really ever go to CNN when something big happens. I go there when there is a terrorist attack, I go there when there's an earthquake, flood, or tsunami or something. But I don't go to CNN for their stellar news coverage, I go for the streaming video and the little interactive buttons and gizmos. If the second coming of Christ happened right here in my home town I'd be on CNN.com watching a point by point presentation (with pop-up video!) demonstrating the miracle in progress.
So this past week when I found out that North Korea was firing missiles all over the place, I went straight for CNN. Here, as far as I can tell, are the facts as they relate to me.
Let me introduce you to a guy named Kim. Everyone in North Korea really seem to adore Kim. I understand why, he's sort of squishy and cute in a way, and those glasses, quite frankly, are the ultimate nerdy statement.
So Kim decides to fire off some missiles to test out their range. He points them out into the ocean and blasts six or seven of them off. And now the world seems to be freaking out. Thankfully, by some stroke of luck, you ended up here on my page in this time of dire crisis. Because I am here to soothe your troubles.
Sure, missiles may be flying everywhere, and Kim might seem like he's ready to do drastic things to get noticed, but the way I look at it his recent launch included three missile types. Here they are, for quick reference:
So as you can see, Kim has three basic missile types. For those of you who aren't well versed in military technology I will sum up their capabilities. First I would like to draw your attention to the SCUD missile. As most of you know the SCUD missile was a big deal during Desert Storm, and it's one of the few missiles that is commonly fired in regular warfare these days. It's old, it's boring, it's so 1990's that I highly doubt Kim will use it.
Lets face it, Kim wants to be noticed, Kim wants to be taken seriously. And with a name like Kim, he's got a tough road ahead of him. If he's launching the same old missiles as everyone else he'll never get the front page. SCUDs are so overused that this is how his war will run in the papers:
Kim Declares War
Today Kim Jong Il fired some missiles at a neighboring nation,
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Four adorable kittens, all shots included.
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So the SCUDs are out, Kim won't use them because they are too old to be newswrthy, and too new to be considered a classic. I mean, the other way he couyld get some headlines is if h attacked with a truly classic weapon, like Zepplins. If Kim Jong Fucking Il flew into a nation's capital riding a fucking Zepplin I think everyone would bow down to him, because he'd be the undisputed king of cool then.
So with the SCUDs ruled out that leaves us with two other missiles, the Taepodong-2 and the Nodong. Now I'm certain that the two DONG missiles are considered very threatening in North Korea, but over here the word DONG means something else entirely. Here is the definition as presented on UrbanDictionary.
Dong
1. The penis.
2. The unit of currency of Vietnam. At press time, 1 US dollar is roughly 15000 Vietnamese dong.
For about 500 dong, an Asian hooker will let you stick your dong in her ass.
So let me get this straight, a man with a girl's name is going to come after us with no dong. Relax everyone, the threat is contained.
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