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Good Tidings
Well, that's it, the deadline is almost here. You have two days left to shop for Christmas. For those of you scrambling to get those last few perfect gifts, good luck to you. Stop reading right now and get out to the shops while you still have a chance...
Good. Now that they are gone, I have a little lesson for those of you who are done your shopping and are looking for a little fun. I call this lesson: "How to Have Fun Being a Happy Christmas Bastard".
The basics are simple, finish all your shopping just a little early so that you don't have to worry about the Christmas crowds... And then jump right into the fray with a big grin and a jovial, "Hey, how ya doin'!" At this point you are thinking to yourself, "Why the hell would I do a thing like that?!?!"
The reason is simple, pure unadulterated bastard factor. Here's what I do, I go out into the Christmas crowds and be as nice as humanly possible to everyone around me. Pathetically nice, sickeningly nice. The reason being that other people who are generally nice but stressed will appreciate anything nice you do for them. The other, and way more fun reason, is that people who are generally mean by nature, and on top of that are totally stressed by the holidays, will go absolutely frikken bonkers over you being so nice. A tiny lump of bitter rage will swell up in their throats when you take the time to thank the cashier at the shop. You will be able to hear the honking horn of the guy behind you for miles as you stop in the parking lot to let someone go through ahead of you (extra points if you have the right of way!). Now I'll warn you, being nice right around Christmas is a dangerous game. The last thing most people want to see at this point is Christmas cheer, they have a long day ahead of them trying to keep their relatives from thinking they are cheap bastards, or trying to figure out exactly which gift will keep them in the good books with their spouses. Or figuring out which toy it is their kid wants out of the eight hundred thousand knock offs and replicas, knowing that even if they get the right one it will be broken or discarded within 15 minutes of them opening the box.
My fiancee thinks I'm crazy for this, I do it pretty much every year. And in all honesty it feels good to be that nice to some people, but it also feels like a bit of payback to all the nasty bastards who you are forced to deal with on a daily basis. Here's a quick sample of the kinds of things you can do for maximum results:
1. Go to the store and buy something really small for yourself. Wait cheerily in the incredibly long line up wishing everyone who passes by a hearty, "Merry Christmas", and then, when you get to the front of the line up if the person behind you has been sour and mean make sure to ask the cashier if they have big plans for the holidays.
2. In a clothing store people will frequently pick out an item, walk around with it for a little while, and then just drop it anywhere when they either see something else they like better or just start having second thoughts. Go over, pick the item up, and rush up to them and say, "Sir/Maam I think you dropped this, I'd hate to think someone wasn't getting something on their Christmas list! Merry Christmas!" If they smile and thank you, leave them alone. But here's the fun part, if they are gruff or mean, KEEP DOING IT. Make it seem like a coincidence, but make a big show of it.
3. This one is especially for all you gamers out there. Go to a big electronics chain and hang out in the video games section and give good advice. Seriously. This is aimed more at the staff of the store than the customers. A good staff member will generally be grateful of the help, it's not like you are stealing thier commission. However the bastard staff members will go nuts. For example if a guy comes along and wants a game system four his young child and the staff member is trying to sell the poor parent an X-Box will all the fixin's and the GTA double pack, you know that the staff member is in there just to grab the cash, in a case like this start recommending the GameCube and a title from the budget line.
4. Sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud, to last the whole day long. Some people will think it is cute, mean people will just scowl.
There are thousands more, those are just a couple off the top of my head. Nice people unite to get back at the mean people!
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